He came home and said, “The cancer has spread.”
Mom picked up the phone, paused, and listened. She let out a terrifying shriek as she fell towards the ground. My 6-year-old cousin had died.
I opened my app and read, “a large tree branch has fallen on him…we’re not sure what the future holds. Traumatic brain injury is unpredictable.”
Unable to breathe, I whispered to a small group of Christian strangers, “what will the body of Christ do for those who can’t pick themselves up? For those who are left on the battlefield, bleeding out…I think we’re forgotten.”
Friend, you could easily fill in your stories and the stories of those you love. Maybe you have stories that you’ve never even told before because the pain is too great.
Truly, what do we do with these?
In our humanity, we wonder, “how could a good God let this be?”
I am not going to give any pat answers. The Church has been full of them for hundreds of years and it hasn’t served us well yet.
We must learn to mourn.
We must learn to sit with the pain and let it break us.
And we must learn to sit with others and be broken with them.
We physically, emotionally, and spiritually heal in attuned, collective mourning.
My heart still squeezes out the breath in me when I think of my sweet cousin. I remember her laugh…her curly blonde hair…and that she just loved being with me. And I loved being with her. I was 4.5 when she died. I miss her throughout the days of each passing year and every December I remember her death with a deep aching in my heart. I wonder, “How could I miss her so much. I was only 5. This is silly.” I’m sure you have loved ones you remember the same. and the pain isn’t “silly.”
In America, our most common response to pain (after the initial shock) is to shove it away; to put it in a box and shove it into the farthest corner of our closets because man, how can we bear this unbearable weight?!
There are so many senseless acts of tragedy. Even the ones that “make sense,” don’t satisfy the questions in the deepest parts of our soul:
“Why, God?”
Curt Thompson, in his must-read book Anatomy of the Soul, says,
When we ask the question “why?” we’re not so much looking for a left-brain explanation…as we are seeking validation for feelings that feel far too overwhelming to be understood. We use why as a substitute for the difficult work needed to integrate our right and lower brain emotional states with our [self].
So, instead of asking or attempting to answer the question, “Why” today, I invite you to sit with your pain. One way to do this is to write a “Loss List.” If the sound of that brings up emotions that threaten to overwhelm you, take a deep breath and just set a timer. Here is a guideline for a time with the Lord, inviting Him to sit with you in the pain.
A Practical Exercise: Inviting God into your pain
- Find a quiet place and plan to meet with God for just 10 minutes total. (Pen and paper are helpful.)
- Start your time surrounded by elements of your environment that are calming for you. (Music, low lights, soft hum of a fan, clean space, etc.) Invite the God of all Comfort will come and sit with you, too- even if you’re angry at Him! God is already present with us, but acknowledging and inviting His presence in helps us to posture ourselves to receive.
- Look around your space for 60 seconds. Notice colors, shapes, and objects around you. (green plant, yellow daisies, fuzzy blanket…)
- Take 60 seconds to wiggle your toes under you, release the tension out of your shoulders, and notice any feelings in your body; limbs, shoulders, neck, chest/core. (Tight? Cold? Warm? Numb?)
- Take the next 60 seconds to breath deeply. If you aren’t used to doing this, it can be helpful to use what is sometimes referred to as box breathing: take a breath in for 4 counts, hold it for 4 counts, and breathe out for 4 counts. Do this 4 times. (Thus creating a “box.”)
- Set your phone (which should be on “silent”) timer to 5 minutes. (Once you have practiced this a few times, you may want to increase the time.)
- For the next 5 mintues, begin to write all the losses that come to mind. Not all losses are tangible. Nothing is “off the table” or should be censored. If it comes to mind as a loss, it is a loss. Please use no judgment.
- the death of a loved one
- an unrealized dream
- a friendship gone side-ways
- a perceived failure
- closeness with God
- After 5 minutes are up you will have now spent 8 minutes in this quiet reflection. You will need to breathe deeply again. Please take the final 2 minutes to breathe as needed to come out of this time.
Please note: the closer you are to a traumatic loss, the more difficult this activity will be. You may need to start with having a friend nearby or “on-call” to talk to afterward. If you don’t have this support, it may be important to have a coach or counselor “on-call,” instead. They will often do this if prearranged. (I know I do with my coaching clients.)
The Healing Benefit: A Softening Heart
Receive His comfort.
Receive His strength.
Receive Him.
Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
A Collective Healing
If you have a safe friend to grieve with do this activity with them. Scientific studies continually remind us that we physically, emotionally, and spiritually heal quicker when we are attuned to another human being. Being “attuned” simply means we are fully present with another human being. We exchange our states of being and our healing is collective. Grieving losses with one another is truly one of those most healing things you can do for your mind, soul, body, and spirit.