How to Help Your (PK) Child Heal from Church Hurt

Growing up as a Pastor’s Kid is challenging. Sharing your parents with a world of other people opens you up to many unique experiences, but it also opens you up to a world of intense hurt. Church hurt can deeply impact a pastor’s kid, leading to feelings of betrayal, confusion, and disillusionment. In this blog post, we’ll explore ways to support your child in healing from church hurt.

I grew up as a pastor’s kid and while my parents shielded me from many painful experiences they endured in church when I was young, I experienced my own set of intensely painful situations and people as a pastor’s wife. The saying “hurt people, hurt people” doesn’t adequately cover the deep wounds left by spiteful, critical, demanding, and frankly, abusive, church members and many times, these same wounds are also experienced by the pastor’s kids – and then what?

My experiences, knowledge, and resilience was severely tested when we experienced our most painful ministry moment – a forced resignation just three weeks before my husband would move into what he thought was going to be his dream position. It’s been almost six years since those events unfolded, and yet, the healing process continues.

Here, we share a few strategies to help your child in coping with the pain they might be feeling due to the hardships your family has faced in ministry life.

Open Communication and Validation

The first step in helping your child heal is to foster an environment of open communication. Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns without judgment. Validate their emotions and let them know it’s normal and acceptable to feel hurt when trust is broken, especially in a place that should epitomize love and understanding. Allow them to ask questions or express their own opinions with out defense or matching their emotion. Affirm them as they express their pain while maintaining physical safety for all. (For help using questions to increase connection with your son/daughter, check out this list of questions.)

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, the wounds caused by church hurt can be deep and require professional help. The follow list includes normal, post-trauma reactions, however, when symptoms last longer than 14 days or begin to impact your child’s day-to-day normal functioning, it is time to seek professional help. A therapist or coach experienced in religious trauma or family counseling can offer guidance and support tailored to your child’s needs.

• becoming physically aggressive toward others
• isolating oneself for long periods of time
• experiencing physical distress / reactions related to triggers of the painful event (headaches, stomach pain)
• nightmares
• anxiety/panic attack

And if you don’t know if your child needs help, feel free to schedule a free 30-minute consult where I can help you determine best next steps. Don’t hesitate to seek such support if you notice your child struggling to cope.

Encourage & Support Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential to healthy living though they have often been misunderstood, and sometimes even demonized, in some faith communities. Boundaries teach where one person stops and another person starts and are vital to flourishing in community with one another. Jesus models boundaries again and again and, while he submitted to His Father unto sacrificial death on a cross, we were never called to do this for other people because Jesus already paid the penalty for sin. Teach your child the importance of setting healthy boundaries. Discuss what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable, both within the church community and in other aspects of life. Empower and support them in saying “no” to church members when they feel uncomfortable. Additionally, when your child is hurting or going through an especially difficult season, allow them the freedom to take a break, and don’t force them to attend or serve at these times. Your children are valuable, made in the Imago-Dei, and thus should be treated with the same respect and dignity you would offer anyone else. (For more on healthy boundaries, check out this video from Christian psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud.)

Learn about Trauma, Grief, and Loss

Trauma is the lingering impact on one’s body, mind, and soul due to experiencing intense fear, loss of control, and hopelessness through overwhelming events or series of events. It can also be what doesn’t happen to someone, and should (e.g. neglect). When someone one is left with out voice, choice, security, or support, this leaves an indelible, but invisible, mark on their insides. Becoming educated about what trauma is, as well as the basics around grief and loss, is essential. All trauma includes grief and loss, however, not all grief and loss include trauma. You will become a more compassionate and loving parent as you learn about how these human experiences are impacting your child. (Several places to start are: this article on trauma from Psychology Today, the books The Body Keeps the Score and It Didn’t Start with You, and my free video on trauma in ministry.)

Lead by Example

More is caught than is taught. If you are wanting your son or daughter to heal, it must start with you. Seeking professional and purposeful healing for yourself is like putting on the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST if the plane is going down. Unhealed emotional wounds will fester and cause serious infection if left to themselves. We were never created to let our own limbs bleed out while attending to the other wounded soldiers on the battlefield. Children often learn best by observing the behavior of their parents. Show them how to navigate difficult situations by helping them see how important your own healing is. (If you aren’t sure what your next steps should be, you can read how to Build Your Own Support Team or schedule a time to chat. I’m happy to help you navigate the next step on your healing journey.)

Pastors’ kids are a valuable part of the Body of Christ. Help is available if your child is struggling! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support finding help for your hurting pastor’s kid.