The 25th Hour {To the forcefully exited pastor’s wife}

So they’ve let your husband go and the devastation is creeping into your every fiber. 

You’re experiencing shock. Denial. Anger. (You’ll probably envision starting their house(s) on fire- if you haven’t already.)

I know. 

You’ll feel utterly alone. The future is very, very dark. 

Your entire body heaves with sobs. Your heart physically hurts and it’s hard to breathe. 

I know. 

You’ll wonder how you’ll tell the kids, your parents, your friends. 

And then you’ll remember you don’t even have any friends. Not any more. 

Your parents didn’t even want you going into ministry in the first place. How will you tell them they were right afterall? 

The anger will rise and you’ll feel rage you’ve never known before. 

You’ll wonder what was real and what was fake? 

You’ll cry, with fists raised or simply from a ball on the floor, “Was it all for naught?! Why the hell did God even bring us here?!”

You’ll echo the sentiments of David when he wished for wings to fly away. Any place different, or ending it all together, suddenly seems a better option. 

I know. 

You’ll realize, with shame knocking on your soul’s door, you’ve never even sworn before and now the only thoughts you have are strung with profanity. 

You’ll begin to think maybe they were right – you’ve probably done something deserving of this treatment. 

Forced Termination. 

Forced “Sabbaticals” (when you aren’t invited back). 

Coup d’é·tat

Non-Disclosure Agreements.

Severance Pay- blood money.

Who wants blood money anyway? 

I know. 

When you get through the initial 24 hours of migraine-level headaches, heart palpitations, panic attacks, facing the people who still depend on you for a roof over their head, and any family you might have that actually cares, you’ll be opening yourself up to all the shame-inflicting, spiritually- bypassing at best and spiritually abusive comments at worse:

“God has something better for you.” 

“Maybe this was God’s way of pruning you.” 

“Can’t you just get another church job? There’s an opening in my aunt’s church.” 

To hell with your aunt’s church, you’ll think. It’ll happen faster than you know it- it won’t be a conscious thought you’re even in control of thinking. 

I know. 

I could tell you the rest – and one day I will – but for today, in this 25th hour after receiving some of the most life-altering, devastating, grenade- exploding news you’ve ever received, I want you to hear something else. 

THIS is what you must know. And cling to. And repeat in the hours of all the lost sleep you’re about to have: God is pleased with you. This is NOT Him doing this to you. Evil has entered God’s house of worship and has momentarily prevailed. But this is not the end of the story. When you can’t read this or remember the words it any longer because the blackness that will encompass you, know that God is singing it over you for you. 

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one. 

I am here to bind up your broken heart. 

I am here to prophesy against the church leaders – to tell them I am against them. The weak they have not strengthened, the sick they have not healed, the injured they have not bound up, the strayed they have not brought back, the lost they have not sought, and with force and harshness they rule over MY sheep. Therefore, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; I will rejoice over you with gladness; I will quiet you by my love; I will exult over you with loud singing. My eyes are gazing at you, righteous Child. My ears are inclined to your cries even when you have no strength to cry anymore. When you cry for help, I hear you and I am in the process of delivering you out of all your trouble. Meanwhile, I am near, Brokenhearted One. I can see what is in front of you. It will be rocky for awhile, but after a little while, I, the God of all grace, who has called you to my eternal glory in Christ, will Myself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

Child, you have done well. Hold on to my right hand. I will fight for you. My Spirit will groan on your behalf. I will redeem and bring new life to your bones. I will grant to you a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that you may be called an oak of righteousness, and it will be by My planting, that I may be glorified. 

Arise, my love, my beautiful one. Come away with me.”